You know that moment when your house is technically clean counters wiped, laundry mostly contained, candles lit like you’re starring in a catalog yet something still feels… off?
Yeah. That’s this.
Because you can be doing “great” on paper and still feel oddly underwhelmed inside. I’ve had seasons where I was hitting goals, keeping plates spinning, looking responsible and functioning… and then I’d sit down at night and think, Is this it? Did I miss a memo?
That’s usually the difference between thriving and flourishing. They’re not the same thing, and once you see it, you can stop trying to fix the wrong problem.
Thriving vs. Flourishing (same alphabet, different planet)
Thriving
Thriving is when you’re making forward progress even if the conditions are kind of trash.
Think: you’re jogging on a treadmill in a warm room while someone nearby is loudly eating pretzels. You’re still moving. You’re building stamina. You’re doing the thing.
You can thrive in one area (career! fitness! parenting!) while another area is basically a junk drawer that won’t close.
Flourishing
Flourishing is when your life has enough support built in that you’re not white knuckling it 24/7.
It’s the difference between “I can handle this” and “I can handle this… and I also have people, energy, and meaning, so I’m not secretly crumbling in the pantry.”
My favorite way to say it: thriving is grit. flourishing is grit with roots.
And roots require the right environment connection, support, room to breathe in a home that supports you. You can’t flourish in a life that constantly drains you like an old iPhone battery at 11%.
Quick check: what zone are you in?
This is not a personality label. It’s just a “you are here” dot on the map.
- Survival mode: You’re putting out fires. Sleep is weird. Everything feels urgent. Your brain is in “tiger in the kitchen” mode.
- Languishing: Nothing is technically on fire, but you feel flat. Like you’re doing life in grayscale. (And people love to call this “lazy,” which makes me want to bonk them gently with a pool noodle.)
- Thriving: You’re making intentional decisions. You recover from stress instead of living in it. You can see a few months ahead without panicking.
- Flourishing: Multiple parts of your life support each other. You feel connected, purposeful, and generally steady even when things are hard.
If you’re not flourishing, it usually isn’t because you need more willpower. It’s because one or two key areas aren’t getting what they need.
The 6 “pillars” that hold up a flourishing life (no marble columns required)
I’m not a “perfect life” person. I’m a “what’s actually propping you up right now?” person.
Researchers tend to circle the same core areas again and again through the PERMA wellbeing framework. Here are the six that matter most:
- Life satisfaction (overall, does your life feel mostly okay over time not constantly blissful like a vacation ad)
- Mental + physical health (energy, stress tolerance, basic functioning)
- Meaning + purpose (does your life feel like it matters to you)
- Character/values alignment (are you living in a way that matches what you say you care about)
- Close relationships (not a thousand acquaintances real connection)
- Financial/material stability (enough security to breathe, not “become a billionaire or else”)
A tiny (powerful) exercise: rate each one 1-10
No overthinking. Just your gut reaction.
- How satisfied am I with life overall?
- Do I have energy for the stuff I care about?
- Does my life feel meaningful?
- Am I becoming the person I want to be?
- Do I have genuine connection with anyone?
- Could I handle a $1,000 emergency without spiraling?
When I do this, I can usually spot the “problem child” immediately. And honestly? That’s good news. Because vague discomfort is miserable. Specific discomfort is actionable.
What to do first (because your brain is not a bulk discount warehouse)
Pick your lowest pillar. If there’s a tie, pick the one that messes with your daily functioning the most (usually sleep/health or finances).
And here’s the rule: one pillar at a time.
Not six. Not a reinvention montage. Just one.
If you’re exhausted or depleted
Start with health basics. I know, I know everyone says “sleep, move your body” and it sounds smug. But it works because it builds capacity.
My go to starter: a 15 minute walk, 3 times a week. That’s it. Not a new personality. Just motion.
If you feel directionless or weirdly empty
Start with meaning.
Try this once a week for a few weeks (10 minutes, tops):
- “What did I do this week that mattered?”
- “When did I feel most like myself?”
Patterns show up faster than you think, and they’re usually… inconveniently honest.
If you feel lonely (even if you’re around people all day)
Start with connection.
Aim for one real conversation a week 20 minutes, not small talk. The kind where you say what’s true, not what’s impressive.
If money stress is hogging your brain space
Start with stability.
Because financial worry is like having 27 browser tabs open all the time. You can’t flourish while your mind is constantly running “what if” calculations in the background.
If you’re in survival mode: don’t overhaul reset
When you’re in survival mode, the goal isn’t “fix my whole life.” The goal is “get my nervous system to stop acting like a smoke alarm.”
A few fast resets that actually help:
- Move your body for a few minutes. A quick walk, stretching, literally shaking out your arms your body reads motion as “we’re not trapped.”
- 2 minute “what didn’t go wrong today?” list. Not toxic positivity. Just proof that not everything is falling apart.
- 5-4-3-2-1 grounding:
5 things you see
4 things you can touch
3 things you hear
2 things you smell
1 thing you taste
(It sounds corny. It’s also weirdly effective when your brain is sprinting.)
Survival mode isn’t a moral failing. It’s a body state. You’re not broken you’re overwhelmed.
Flourishing usually grows when you look outward (yes, even introverts)
Once you’re not drowning, the next step often isn’t “optimize my morning routine.” It’s build roots: purpose, people, community.
A few ways to start without making it A Whole Thing:
- Do a quick purpose audit:
“My work contributes to in a way that , and I know it because _.”
If you can’t fill it in at all, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It just means you might be thriving in a role that doesn’t fit. - Deepen one relationship: pick one person and have one intentional conversation a week for a while. Ten weeks is a good runway.
- Join something that meets regularly: volunteering, a class, a faith community, a walking group anything that gets you showing up with the same humans repeatedly. Connection likes consistency.
And yes, “after I already do X, I’ll do Y” (habit stacking) helps a ton. Vague goals are where motivation goes to die.
A few flourishing myths you can toss directly into the donation bin
- Myth: Flourishing means constant happiness.
Nope. Flourishing includes bad days. It’s about the overall balance and support. - Myth: If you’re struggling mentally, you can’t flourish.
Also nope. People can manage real mental health challenges and still have meaning, love, values alignment, and connection. - Myth: More achievement = more flourishing.
Sometimes achievement is just a fancy hiding place for emptiness. (Ask me how I know.) - Myth: Money doesn’t matter.
Money matters up to “I can breathe and handle life” levels. After that, it’s not the magic key people promise it is.
When to get professional support (because you don’t get a prize for white knuckling)
If any of this is hitting a level that feels scary, unsafe, or unmanageable, please get backup. Especially if:
- Any pillar feels like a 0-2 consistently
- You’ve had a sudden drop of 3+ points in a month
- Low mood/hopelessness lasts more than two weeks
- You can’t do basic daily tasks
- You’re having thoughts of self-harm
- Sleep is severely disrupted for over a month
Crisis resources (U.S.):
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
- Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
- SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357
You are not “bad at flourishing.” You’re a human with a nervous system, and sometimes you need real support not another productivity hack.
The takeaway (the gentle but firm one)
If your life looks good but feels hollow, you’re not ungrateful. You’re not broken. You’re probably thriving in one lane while another lane needs attention.
Pick one pillar. Do one small thing. Get your footing.
Flourishing isn’t a personality trait. It’s a set of conditions you can build one root at a time.
